Tuesday, February 12, 2008

The Emptying

I awake at 2:00 a.m. to severe intestinal cramping. Bleary-eyed and somewhat annoyed at the interruption of my sleep, I stumble into the hall bathroom to take care of business. Sitting down was the last thing I remember.

I am paralyzed, my mouth hurts, and there is a tingling on my lips and tongue. I try to move my arms but they are frozen. I deduce that I must be asleep, but I cannot will myself to wake up. In my mind I am running around myself, yelling and prodding my immobilized carcass back to life. I begin to regain awareness and my vision clears. I lift my head off the floor and see blood. I manage to rise enough to look in the mirror and there is blood coming out of my nose. Fearing I have had a stroke or a seizure, I call out to M with fear in my voice.

She comes to my rescue, helps me to sit up, and isn’t too shocked by my absence of all human dignity. A moist towel dabs the blood from my face as I notice drops of blood staining the bath mat. A new wave of intestinal cramps break like a tsunami of diarrhea when I realize the truth: I have fainted and fallen, head first, off the pot.

Doing a face-plant on the ceramic tile may sound like an extreme sport to you, but to me it’s blog fodder. I have numerous facial cuts and I am fairly certain I bit off part of my tongue. Today my doctor confirmed that my nose is broken. You may wonder why I would put such an embarrassing and personal story on the internet. Indeed, I’m not sure I’m going to. Perhaps my hunger to entertain exceeds my distaste for humiliation. Perhaps my desire for approval-by-amusement exceeds my fear of disapproval-by-disgust. I must have issues.

If so, are these issues common to other bloggers? Could it be that we all suffer from this virtual exhibitionism of the soul? Are we crying out to the blogosphere, “I am here and this is who I am!!” hoping that quasi anonymous visitors will leave comments of assurance, convincing us that our experiences, our lives, are indeed normal?

Nah.

6 comments:

Redlefty said...

Nah. What's "normal" anyway? And even if we knew what it was, what fun would it be?

Grafted Branch@Restoring the Years said...

But are you o.k.? Why did you faint?! (Or, at least...do *you* know why you fainted? Are you getting medical advice?)

Take care. :)

Orangehouse said...

It turns out fainting runs in the family, especially during episodes of say, vomiting or diarrhea. I have fainted before (15+ years ago) under similar circumstances. However, back then I felt it coming on so I could prepare myself; this time it caught me off guard! I'm sore, but I'll be fine. But the Doc says if it happens again we'll do an EEG to make sure it wasn't some kind of seizure.

Clint said...

Did you have any poop power epiphanies while comatose? The flux capacitor, which makes time travel possible(Back to the Future), was created in similar fashion.

Mike said...

Geeze, I dunno why you told us that, but the picture of the outhouse on the edge of nowhere would solve my field line problems.

Peas on Earth said...

I found your blog searching for people who listed Papua New Guinea as an interest. Thanks for letting me lurk for a few minutes. I do have to say, though, that I have an Engineering degree (EE), have fainted and had diarrhea, and while they didn't happen at the same time and I have never broken my nose, I think that's enough to say we have something in common. Oh, and the Lord. Yes, that would be even better. ;-) (Loved the post on Free Will/Predestination! Beautiful!!) OK, so on that very strange note, I will say, "Blog on!" God bless!!!