A Cactus Without Chlorophyll

I'm not sure how the genetic engineers at HEB did it, but there are now cacti that don't have chlorophyll in parts. One kind has a green stalk, and a round red top. The red part has no chlorophyll. I call them redius headius, which is Latin for "cactus altered by genetic engineers at HEB to have a red top". I got three of them for the back porch, because it gets lots of afternoon sun. I really like them; they're like a little flower, but with thorns on the pedals. I had three of them, each in their own little pot, but one died over the winter. Actually, I think he was murdered by one of the others: the tragic, but inevitable result of a redius headius cacti love triangle.

The other two, perhaps thriving in their new love, are doing well this spring and putting out new little red bulby things. Can you tell I know nothing about biology? It's true. So I went back to HEB to ask the produce guy what he thought about genetic engineering, about redius headius, and about other things of cosmic significance.For those of you who have not met produce guy, he is a skateboard riding, eyebrow ring wearing, master of produce, philosophy, and all things spiritual. Rumors of his being a fictitious product of my imagination are purely a fictitious product of my imagination.

Me: Hi Produce Guy, how have you been?

Produce Guy: Like, woah dude, you've been MIA for like, many moons.

Me: I know, I know, I've been blogging, you see. Takes up all my spare time.

Produce Guy: Here to pick some fresh vegetation, yo?

Me: No, I came to ask you a question. You see I have these cacti without chlorophyll...

I went on to explain my confusion about how a cactus, or any other plant, could be bred or mutated or nuked or whatever, so that it would be "like, all red on top". The conversation went on for some time. I asked him where the genetic engineers were and he said they did most of their work in the ice cream cooler behind sporting goods.

Me: Of course! That's where I would do my genetic engineering, if I ever did any.

Produce Guy: So dude, is something else like, troubling you, yo?

Me: Yeah, it's just that I'm not sure what to think about genetic engineering. I mean, is it safe? I don't think eating genetically engineered foods is going to make you sick or anything, but as an engineer I know that there are often unintended consequences of our technologies. These can be, but are not always, harmful to people or the environment or... I don't know. You just never know I guess. That's the point.

Produce Guy: Man, you worry too much dude. Every time you come here you're like, a big sack of potatoes all full up. But instead of potatoes, you're like, full of worries. Dude.

Me: I know, I know, I just don't have the wisdom and peace that you have.

Produce Guy: Look dude, a wise man with long hair like mine once said, "Do not worry about what to eat or drink, or about what to wear, yo. Consider the lilies of the field, and dress like them, or something like that..."

Me: Huh?

Produce Guy: Look man, I don't have any lilies in produce, see the floral department for them, but consider this instead. I have a fine selection of genetically engineered cassava roots, yo, and do you see them worrying? No way, man. So take some schoolin' from them, yo, and...

At that point, one of the cassava roots split in half with a crack like a whip. A long, purple tendril shot out of it and wrapped itself around the neck of produce guy. It started pulling him towards it, constricting and choking my insightful friend. Produce guy fought back with a box cutter, but the tendril was too strong. More cassavas started opening up and lassoing produce guy's arms and legs, not to mention an old lady that had been picking out tomatoes.

It was all happening so fast I didn't have time to think. I just reacted with instinct. Anyone would have done the same thing, really. I ran to the home and garden section and grabbed two big bottles of Roundup. Riding a shopping cart like a Humvee, I crashed through a display of bananas and did an aeriel summersault over the red tipped lettuce. With both barrels blazing, I peppered the cassava with blasts of Roundup until they released my friend with a hiss.

The store had to be evacuated. It was all over the news. The SWAT team came out with their riot gear on. The old lady is suing. Produce guy is in stable condition. As for me, I got an endorsement contract with Roundup - I'm their new spokesman. But I still don't understand biology.

Christmas in May

I have been carrying some Christmas presents around in the trunk of my car for a couple of months. My father and step mother (a.k.a. Pops and Mimi) have had some health problems that prevented them from travelling lately. Our plans to get together for Christmas kept being postponed again and again. So when I was in Houston on business (back in March) I took the presents and put them in my trunk to bring back to the family. Well... I forgot about them.

Long story short, we had a belated Christmas this weekend! The boys were very excited about their new books, jigsaw puzzles, and especially their new tackle boxes. I suppose they have picked up a love for fishing from Pops and Mimi, certainly not from me. They came with hooks and bobbers and stringy things and weights. They loved them. Jono, in particular, has been carrying his around, taking it to church ("No Jono, we have to leave that in the car.") and even taking it to bed! Last night The M went in to check on the boys and there it was, right next to his pillow! I had to take a picture. The flash didn't seem to bother him.


New fishing poles had also been part of their gifts, but I had remembered to give them those weeks ago. Sleeping with fishing poles was not allowed!

Happy Mother's Day, Mom

Here's a partial list of things my mom did right. Happy Mother's Day Mom! I love you.

1. She encouraged me to be myself, not to be a conformist, but to be comfortable with who I am, and not to worry about what other people think.
2. She allowed me to argue my case when I thought she was being unfair or when I thought I was misunderstood. She listened to my points, and when it was appropriate, gave my words credibility. I could say anything I needed to, as long as I was respectful. I try to emulate this with my own children, because I think it values fairness while acknowledging that the parent is in charge, ultimately. It has also given me a great skill with which to work things out with my wife.
3. She sent me to camp in the summers. I went to Camp Lone Star for four or five years, and to boy scout camp. As I look back on my childhood, my times at camp stand out as mountaintop experiences. I think they taught me independence and a measure of responsibility.
4. She knew my friends, attended my school functions, and listened to everything I said (or at least convincingly pretended to listen!). She made me feel important. Ha! She still reads my blog every day!
5. She taught me to value music. In later life, this has bled over into other areas. I have an appreciation for photography, for art, for dance, and for creativity in general. It has made my life richer. I think I can trace this appreciation back to days listening to Simon and Garfunkel albums, or Johnny Cash, or Tchaikovsky.
6. Speaking of richer, Mom taught me that money doesn't make you happy. She taught me that relationships were ultimately the most important thing we have on earth.

Thanks for being a great mom, Mom. I love you.

Boxing Day (or Schrödinger's Cat)

Henry the cat is one funny animal. Yesterday he found this empty box and crawled inside. The boys would stick their fingers in the openings and he would attack them. The game was to see if you could pull your hand out fast enough! It was like a game of feline Russian Roulette. The boys were laughing so hard! I love to hear them belly laugh from another room in the house.When he gets wound up like this, he will claw you to the point of bringing blood. But he's a good cat, and he knows when the game is over. He won't hurt you if he can see that the hand belongs to you. But if he thinks your hand is a little mousey critter, his hunter instincts kick in.

(Click here for more information on the paradox of Schrödinger's Cat.)

I think I live in a box sometimes. My perception of what is significant or threatening is sometimes skewed. Do I trust the hand of my owner, or do I view it as something to be defended against?

This analogy is theologically poor. I don't think God plays games with us, belly laughing at our attacks on his wiggling, mocking fingers.

Wake up Henry, the Matrix has you.

Blowing off Steam

The M came home this afternoon! Yea! She has been in Houston for eight days getting her father into an Alzheimer's care facility. It has been an emotional ordeal for her. But we were all so glad to see her again.

Frankly, I was getting to the end of my rope. The boys were off from school today, but I was not. This meant I took them with me to my morning class. And it was raining. And there was a big wreck on I-35. And we waited in the traffic for twenty minutes. And this caused us to have to skip breakfast in order for me not to be late to class.

So I'm under a little extra stress right now. OK, quite a bit of extra stress. And I take an antidepressant. And I have been out of my prescription for three or four days but can't seem to get to the pharmacy before it closes. So I'm feeling a little wacked out.

All this to say, I decided to blow off some steam at the gym today. I used a half dozen machines and rode a stationary bike. The bike was boring. But the weights really helped. When I started getting tired, I would focus on the things that were making me mad. It went something like this...
21. Alzheimer's
22. Traffic
23. Wife out of pocket
24. Raining
25. No one comments on my blog
26. Cats pooping in garage
27. Cats pooping in garage
28. Cats pooping in garage

and it went on like this until I was in the eighties or nineties (on account of me being so strong).

And you know what? It worked! I feel so much better. I'm going to do it again tomorrow. I need the exercise anyway (on account of me being so fat) . And I need to "train" for our time in Honduras this summer. Our work there will be somewhat physical, and I don't want to slow down the students too much.